Three things I often wanted my employer and colleagues to understand about me as a working parent:
1. By the time the official working day starts around 9am, I am likely to have been up since 6.30, getting children up and dressed and ready for school/nursery, dropping them off on an extended journey and then getting in to work myself. So yes, i do need that coffee at the 9am meeting;
2. After lunch, on days when I do the school run, I start to get panicky because my time is running out. I always try to cram too much in and am invariable late for pick-up. Please don’t try to stop me if you see me running down the stairs at 3.10pm;
3. After I have finally got the kids to bed (and mine were actually pretty good at this), the last thing I can face doing is to switch on my laptop. Pretty much the only thing I can face at that point is my pillow. please don’t send me the papers for tomorrow morning’s meeting at 9pm today.
As schools in the UK go back, working parents lives change. For some it gets easier, for others harder. Depends on the parent, child, school and childcare arrangements.
If you manage working parents, please check in with them over the next few weeks to see how they are and whether they or you need to change anything to be most effective.
If you are a working parent, please consider your boundaries, and let go of a) perfection and b) being able to do everything. It isn’t going to happen, and that’s ok. You are enough.
This is the consequence of taking on a 25km, 16 km bridge walk – the Thames Bridges Trek. This isn’t the day itself (which was sunny and to be honest a little too warm). This is today. 3 days later, in the pouring rain, round the corner from home.
I signed up for a 25km walk over 18 months ago but for obvious reasons it got delayed and moved and altered. During lockdown I walked every morning in the peace and quiet. Virtual challenges ( 100km per month etc) kept me going mentally and physically. When my younger son returned to primary school I walked with him and then carried on. But I’ll be honest, over the summer, my motivation to walk nose-dived. Two weeks ago I really REALLY didn’t want to do the event. I didn’t want to walk and I definitely didn’t want to do trains into London. I thought I would do it because I had promised a friend and had done all the training, and then I’d be done.
But a weird thing happened. The event itself was hard (especially 19-23 km which was hot, seemingly endless concrete and crowds). My feet hurt. On Sunday I didn’t do much, though I didn’t get any other after effects. Yesterday I didn’t walk – busy working, but during the day I was aware that my legs and my brain were itching to be out again. So today, DESPITE having achieved the goal I was working towards, I set off for a quick stroll round the block in the pouring rain.
I guess I’m writing this as a reflection that goals, motivation and actions don’t always link and follow in the way you expect. My motivation really dropped as my goal became closer and has picked up again afterwards, even though I haven’t yet got another similar goal in mind. I suspect this isn’t news to some people – it’s why the UltraChallenge company who run the events immediately email us with discounts for signing up for next year! But, if your motivation has gone missing as you approach your goal, it might be the time when you just have to say “I’ve come this far now so I’m going to see it through whatever” and then use the motivation bounce after you reach the goal to set the next one.
“She manages to be a top quality student without being at all boring or a SWOT“. Classic letter writing there from my undergraduate tutor to my prospective PhD supervisors.
Today is World Letter Writing Day! What’s been the most memorable letter you’ve received?
The ones that stick with me are usually handwritten, and these days few and far between. But then I don’t write many either. My grandfather, who passed away a couple of months ago, was really the only person to whom I still wrote conventional letters.
My other memorable “letter experiences” include:
1. My mum writing to me weekly when I was an undergraduate – and occasionally including a “Guiness cake” that was so heavy it cost more to post than to make;
2. A series of postcards and letters from undergraduate students telling me what they were up to after graduating;
3. A letter from a Dutch amateur atmospheric chemist telling me all about his pollution measuring bicycle and addressed to “lady Eleanor”. Accompanied by hand-drawn illustrations.
I have been fortunate enough never to have received hate-mail unlike many climate and diversity and inclusion colleagues, though no-one likes rejection letters and I’ve had a few of those.
I do write letters to myself sometimes (though I try not to make those hate-mail either!). I had one on my wall at work reminding me of all the good things about my previous role. Writing to ourselves can be more effective than giving ourselves a good talking to. What would you write to yourself?
This week has been hard. Last week we were in the west of Scotland, 8 miles down a single track road, surrounded by water, trees and hills. Yes, it was a little rainy, yes we did get lost on walks a few times and do some unnecessary hills, but there was a sense of space. Now we still appear to be down a single track road but that’s due to the number of cars parked along our road, and although I am fortunate to have a garden to look out on, there are fences, and hedges and roads. I feel hemmed in. Hemmed in by the surroundings, but also by my diary, and email and the looming new school terms with commitments and schedules. In the grand scheme I know there are bigger problems in the world, but it is possible for it to be simultaneously true that there are people in much worse situations AND for me to be struggling with my own situation.
Mostly on holiday I read fiction – and not all “great” fiction either – it’s good to escape to other places sometimes and books have always been the way I do that. At the start of the week though I finally got around to reading Atomic Habits by James Clear. Whilst a lot of it to be honest were things I had read before about habit forming, one thing has stuck. He points out that lots of people can have the same goal, but the people who had developed good systems pointing towards that goal were the people that achieved their goal. And that although systems can at first glance appear constraining, they can also be free-ing.
On my return to my desk, I was pleased to find that one system I set up before I went away was indeed working to free me up in some way. I finally got around to setting up a booking system for phone calls for clients – through my calendly link people can book discovery calls or coaching sessions without the to-and-fro of emails. Setting up the system has forced me to block out some clear time for these calls and therefore other clear times for undisturbed client work too. And several people had booked calls for the next 2 weeks. One small step towards implementing a system that helps me spend more time on the interesting bits of work and less on the admin!
This weekend’s task is therefore to look for systems that might be useful around the house. In theory we have systems but they have probably be viewed as optional vague ideas by some members of the household. I think I need to present them as “this is what you will do when this happens” instead!
This is a really difficult one, but just like other parts of life most coaching partnerships need to end eventually. But how do you know when that is?
Sometimes, it’s clear in the sense that the coaching was aimed at a very particular challenge or issue and the coachee has reached their goal, made progress or at least done enough new thinking to be able to move forward.
Often however, coaching that started out being about one thing, ended up being about something else, and that evolves and needs longer to think about. People who come to coaching because they have reached something of a crisis point often spend some sessions “downloading” their thoughts about their current situation before being able to look at alternatives and options. This can extend the coaching process but is very valuable. However if the thinking doesn’t at some point move on, this can be a signal that something different is needed and that this particular coaching arrangement has run its course. It’s really difficult to raise this as a coach if you know that your client doesn’t talk about the issues anywhere else, but if you are aiming to be useful to your clients, it’s a conversation that has to be had.
As a coach, I generally suggest a minimum of three sessions with clients unless there is a very specific objective for the coaching. This is because there is usually a session where we clarify what the goal is for the coaching and assess the reality of the current situation. The other two sessions are usually used for considering options in different ways and identifying strategies for next steps. Sometimes clients will book 6 sessions to either explore more deeply, or possibly consider 2 or more different challenges. I’ve been working with a couple of clients for nearly a year – but sessions are perhaps less frequent than the shorter term partnerships I’ve been involved in. Perhaps my most fulfilling way of working is when someone does perhaps 3 sessions initially and then several months later comes back for a top-up session to explore what’s happened on their issue.
There’s no set time to think about ending or changing coach but some things clients might want to consider include:
Am I using my coach as a general listener and are they the best person to do this?
Are the sessions still useful – do they leave me with different thoughts and reflections about my challenges? Or am I stuck in the same thought processes – in which case a different coach might approach things differently and lead to new insights.
Would a different professional be more useful e.g. a counsellor, therapist, or mentor?
Most coaches are not, contrary to what you might read in some places, trying to keep clients booking more and more sessions in order to make more income. I have no doubt that there are some coaches who do that, but for me, if the usefulness has ended, then that’s the time to end the coaching. At least for a while.
Just like other endings though, it’s important to end the coaching relationship well. This doesn’t always happen – sometimes people drift away and stop responding to emails, and sometimes it can quickly turn into months since you have heard from someone. This isn’t always a problem so long as it’s agreed that a pause is consciously happening – things come up that mean that someone isn’t in the right place to continue coaching for the time being. Generally I’ll reach out to someone a few times and then try to let them go if they don’t respond. When I do get a chance to work with the client on a proper ending, we’ll look at what’s been achieved so far and plan the next steps. I’ll make it clear how to get in touch with me in the future and I’ll usually ask the client if they want to be kept briefed on offers and updates via email. It’s absolutely fine if not, but some people do.
And then I close the file mentally and physically and wish them well.
This exercise helps you to identify what you are most happy with and where you might want to make changes.
The Wheel of Life exercise is a way to visualise all the different parts of your life and to balance up how you feel about each area.
Start by drawing a circle-ish shape, then divide it into segments or slices that represent different parts of your life. Typical categories that are used might include:
Friends and Family Personal development/learning
Relationship Physical environment
Health (including mental wellbeing) Spiritual
Work / Career Community
Or you could look at different parts of your working life.
Next, taking the centre of the wheel as 0 and the outer edge as 10, rank your level of satisfaction with each area out of 10 by drawing a straight or curved line to create a new outer edge (see example). You can colour the segments in if it makes it easier for you to visualise. The new perimeter of the circle represents your ‘Wheel of Life’. Is it a bumpy ride?
Then you can start to think about what needs to change to get back to a more comfortable, even ride.
Almost exactly 2 years ago I had probably the only truly “good” ending I have had in my life when I left my university job after 26 years. Why was it good? I think that’s a combination of having been able to plan it and be in control of much of it, leaving myself time to enjoy the bits of it I was going to miss, and the sheer physical task of clearing an office after that long meant that it was all very real. Sometimes I spend so much time in my head that physical cues and meaning are especially meaningful. And yes, work did throw me two send-offs where they said nice things, and I hosted one myself – all pre-pandemic – which definitely helped.
A great friend and former colleague of mine is leaving his role this week after a similar length of time. These would be my tips for him and anyone else making this kind of move:
Accept that you will never finish everything as neat and tidily as you would like. Pick the three things that are most important for you to leave well and sort those. Then make time for conversations with the people you will miss, and for processing your own thoughts and emotions.
All the nice things that people say in the next few weeks and genuine, authentic and true. Practice receiving them generously and don’t downplay your contribution. It might get overwhelming. Truth be told, I can’t remember the details of everything lovely that was said at my leaving do’s, but I do remember a general feeling of warmth, appreciation and love in it’s broadest sense. In both directions! My oh-so-wise research group made sure that I had copies of the presentations and the videos that my former students had made as I definitely couldn’t take them in at the time.
Just like you choose what to take with you from your office (in this case this is relevant but it may not be for those working from home or with a different working environment), you can choose what to take with you in your head and your heart. What will you take, and what will you leave behind?
Starting a new role or adventure is a great opportunity to make changes. I’m not saying you should feel that you have to reinvent yourself, but you can choose how you want to start out (and if you feel you can’t because you feel you have to behave in a certain way to fit in, then we need to have a chat about where you are moving to and why!).
Self-care. Love or hate the phrase, it’s pretty much impossible to avoid at the moment. Personally there are some days I don’t mind it, and other days when it really makes me groan. I’m not sure why to be honest.
However, I belong to a number of social media groups around being a freelancer. One of those groups is having a themed month around self-care, so to join in, I’ve been reflecting on “What self-care means for me?”
Many of the suggestions you usually find in articles about self-care (journaling, long baths, meditation etc) don’t really do it for me I’m afraid, but alongside some very practical things like keeping on track with health checks of all sorts, and trying to find some space in every day where I am alone and there is NO NOISE, I have realised that being able to finish things is a form of self-care for me.
I have SOOOOO many things that are half-started. This is not surprising in the work context and absolutely fine unless I’ve said “yes” to too many things. But it’s more about the rest of life. I’ve got several books that I am part way through (shudder), we’ve got doors that have had one coat of paint on for months but need two to be finished, and almost everything I sit down to do at the weekend gets interrupted. I love my family but they aren’t always good at recognising when I am in the middle of something, even if it’s cleaning a particular room.
If I’m really going to practice self-care, I am going to need to finish some of these things. Now if everyone could just go away for a bit then that would be great. (Or more likely I’ll realise it’s not them stopping me finishing things, it’s me – but at least I would know that!)
There are lots and lots of quotes out there about endings and beginnings. Many use books and chapters as metaphors, and there are also a lot about journeys and paths. Or maybe those are the ones I find because I like books and walking (and algorithms are clever and scary)?
The thing with quotes is that sometimes they resonate with you and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes it’s the words themselves, or sometimes it’s the words and image together. Many involve sunsets or sunrises. The same quote and image can feel cliched and trite on one day and powerful the next. So if these don’t work for you today, I am sure there will be one somewhere that will. Or maybe make your own with your own thoughts on endings and beginnings and a picture that’s meaningful for you. This could be a great coaching activity
Sometimes you know the end is coming. For example, I know that Covid bubbles permitting, I now have just 9 mornings of walking my son to primary school left. Nine mornings of seeing where the baby sparrows have gone today, nine mornings of counting cats (if there is one he wins, zero I win, two his Dad wins… record is five…) and nine mornings of my hand being dropped at a certain point as he whispers “School Zone now Mum”.
Other times you don’t know it’s the end until after it happens! Who knew that the sports day we attended two years ago that we knew was the last one we would attend with our older son would actually also be the last one we attended with our younger one. Obviously the pandemic has brought many unexpected endings for many people – and missing out on sports day is relatively minor compared to losing loved ones, or your own physical and mental health.
But endings big or small are important. We need to be able to have an end before moving on to the next thing. Sometimes they are clear, sometimes they are blurry, sometimes we only recognise them after the event, but what I’ve learnt recently is that without some sort of recognition of that ending (even after the event), the next stages are much harder. It doesn’t have to be a party or big deal (though if that’s your thing, go for it – safely of course) but acknowledging a change or transition, remembering the good things, and learning from the experience definitely allows me to move on in a more positive frame of mind. There have been a number of endings in my life that I haven’t really dealt with in that way, and I need to work my way through those to free up some mental space and find some peace. I am determined not to add another less-than-dealt-with ending to the list, even though it’s hard to think about and feels like it will take time that I just don’t have right now.
What’s making these last two weeks of primary school harder for all of us is that for obvious reasons, those staging points aren’t as we’d expected them to be. School is doing a fantastic job of helping the Year 6s move on given the circumstances but for us as parents leaving a school we’ve been with for 9 years, we’re missing out on our “proper” goodbyes. No sports day or summer fair, the Year 6 production is being filmed instead of us being there, and we are encouraged to pick up away from the playground so we might not even get to see them all say goodbye, shirts covered in ink.
So what to do? Well, I’m planning on writing a letter to the school saying thank you obviously, and making a donation to be spent on something to improve the facilities for staff. I’ve been collecting science and diversity books to give to the library and there will be the usual farewell present for the teacher. The emotional side is harder. I know I’m going to be a mass of emotions on the last day (I already have a lump in my throat writing this). What I learnt from two years ago when my older son left, is that sharing a bit of this with him, rather than being endlessly positive, was helpful all round. So we’ll probably end up laughing and crying as we remember the fantastic time he’s had there and the brilliant things he’s learned. I’ll try to get him to write them down (though realistically it will be me doing that), to keep as he goes on his next adventure. We’ll have a family meal out at some point in the next week or so, as we do at the end of every school year. And then we’ll be looking forward and moving on. After all, it’s only a chapter that’s ending, the book continues.